


when dealing with an irate police officer with a handcuffs fetish, try and avoid doing illegal things

by koonutkalifee



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, M/M, this is so dumb i cannot believe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4926997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koonutkalifee/pseuds/koonutkalifee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You broke the law three times in the last month? And Hijikata caught you? Why haven’t you been charged for any of them?” Sougo narrows his eyes in an obviously exaggerated fashion. “Is Hijikata taking bribes?”</p><p>Hijikata wants to throw him, Sakata, and the entirety of Edo off the top of the terminal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when dealing with an irate police officer with a handcuffs fetish, try and avoid doing illegal things

**Author's Note:**

> this has absolutely no point  
> i have no idea about the rating it's somewhere between g and t and i don't care at the moment  
> if you want it changed tell me

“Shut the fuck up, bastard.”

“But it’s true, Hijikata.” Sakata is dragging the honourific he’s pointlessly tacked onto the end of Hijikata’s name to the point where the -kun took longer to say than his name itself. “You do have a handc-”

Sougo wanders past, apparently having finally woken up. “Oh. Hi boss. Why has Hijikata arrested you for the third time this month?”

“He has a handcuffs fetish,” Sakata says loudly. “Really, Hijikata, you shouldn’t be wasting tax money to indulge in a kink like that.”

“It’s true, Hijikata.” Sougo has latched onto Sakata’s not-totally-fake story. “You shouldn’t do such a despicable thing.”

Hijikata thinks his head is going to explode. “You spend most of your on-duty time sleeping! And you broke the law three time in the last month!” He lights a cigarette, ignoring Sakata’s hand dangling cuffed beside his own, and blows smoke into the wind so that it will hit either Sougo or Sakata.

Sougo neatly sidesteps the smoke and shakes his head. “You broke the law three times in the last month? And Hijikata caught you? Why haven’t you been charged for any of them?” Sougo narrows his eyes in an obviously exaggerated fashion. “Is Hijikata taking bribes?”

Hijikata wants to throw him, Sakata, and the entirety of Edo off the top of the terminal.

“Sougo! Someone wants you over there. Hurry up and go.” He turns and pulls on Sakata’s wrist and Sougo waves at Sakata as they leave. Sakata waves back with the hand that’s cuffed to Hijikata.

Sakata dawdles as Hijikata tries to herd Sakata towards the car, walking as slowly as he can. Hijikata wonders if it would be quicker to carry him, and then wonders how many prisoner safety regulations that would violate, and then thinks about how awful it would be if Sougo got pictures of that. “Hurry up.”

The wooden sword that Sakata usually has hanging (illegally) from his waist is missing. “What did I do this time? I need to know specifics for my lawyers.”

Sakata’s ‘lawyers’ are Shinpachi and Kagura in suits and glasses.

The first time Hijikata arrested Sakata they came to see him, demanding that their ‘client’ had done nothing illegal (he had) and that the Shinsengumi had no right to hold him there (they did). Hijikata had been so close to telling them to fuck off, but Sougo got there first. (How much he enjoyed pissing off Kagura was awful.) Hijikata had immediately released Sakata, purely to irritate Sougo, and Sakata had winked at him before grabbing both his kids and waltzing out.

“We’ll go with property damage.” Hijikata grunted. “Grievous bodily harm to multiple persons. Threatening conduct towards police officers –”

“One! One police officer!” Sakata’s shouts draws a few stares from the surrounding people.

“Pointing that out when you’re cuffed to said officer is not a good idea!” Hijikata yells back.

“Shut up!” For a moment he turns to face Sakata, who is glaring at him, red with frustration, and really wants to punch him in the mouth.

“I saved all of your asses back there,” Sakata eventually mutters. “You can’t arrest me.”

Hijikata knows he is telling the truth. If he arrests Sakata the Shinsengumi will get in trouble for allowing a citizen into such a dangerous area, and it’ll be Kondo that suffers for it. And it will get out that Sakata saved all of them in the ensuing report, which _he’ll_ suffer for.

Sakata will also get in trouble, but he doesn’t care about that. Really.

“Trespassing on private property. Willing endangerment of unarmed civilians.”

“Are you talking about Kagura and Shinpachi? Because Shinpachi wasn’t unarmed and Kagura technically isn’t a civilian.”

“No, she’s an illegal alien immigrant. Illegal possession of a sword.” Hijikata is getting louder and Sakata smacks his own forehead with the heel of his hand.

“But Hijikata. You’ve never arrested me for that before.”

“Maybe we should start.”

“You’re really set on using tax money for this fetish, aren’t you? The traditional way of getting someone to indulge you like this is asking them nicely.” Hijikata opens the car door and snaps the handcuff that had been around his wrist to the handle inside the car with more force than appropriate.

Sakata beams at him. Hijikata considers punching him. “I don’t have a fucking handcuffs fetish!”

“It’s okay, Hijikata.” Sakata’s voice has taken on the tone he imparts deep and meaningful things with, and Hijikata reminds himself that cutting out Sakata’s tongue would not only violate prisoner safety regulations but be bad in other situations. “People can’t always control what they’re into like that. It’s not something to be ashamed of.”

“Get in the fucking car.” Hijikata shoves Sakata’s chest, and he falls back onto the seat, though his foot is still hanging out of the car. “I have work to do.”

“So pushy, Hijikata. Not that I mind –”

Hijikata attempts to slam the car door, only to remember Sakata’s foot is still hanging out. He takes a little too much satisfaction in hearing Sakata’s yelp as the door slams onto his ankle. It also manages to help him control the slight flush in his cheeks.

“Open communication is vital in a healthy relationship –” Hijikata closes the car door, successfully this time, and turns to survey the damage Sakata has been instrumental in causing this time. From the look of it, it will take weeks and weeks to get through the paperwork involved.

He can feel Sakata’s glare through the window on his back but ignores it. Sakata’s scooter had been destroyed – its smoking remnants lay just a few metres from where he stands – and so Sakata has no way home unless he gets a lift with the Shinsengumi. Really, he’s doing the idiot a favour. He should notice that.

Sougo had. “Hijikata, are you really going to drive the boss home? It’d be much funnier to just leave him here.”

“I know.”

“No one wanted me over there, Hijikata. Are you going soft in the head?”

“Shut up. I wanted you over there.”

Hijikata blows another puff of smoke and surveys the carnage around them, ignoring Sakata’s muffled yelling in the car behind him and Sougo’s glaring at him. There’ll be hell to pay later, from both of them. Hijikata drops his cigarette and treads on the end of it.

A building to his left creaks and falls, for a moment blotting out the setting sun. He’ll have to get back to the barracks soon, and the idiot behind him probably hasn’t slept for three days, and Sougo looks bored and that’s always a bad thing, and so he should probably get in the car and start driving.

Hijikata lights another cigarette and gets in the car, ignoring Sakata’s whining. Sougo gets into the other seat.

They start driving and for a moment there is silence, the drone of the engine the only noise.

And then Sakata starts complaining and rattling his handcuffs and Hijikata sighs and starts yelling back and Sougo starts making perfectly innocent comments that only make them both angrier and the car swerves violently, narrowly missing three officers who are probably hiding so they don’t have to work, and speeds off into the dusk.

**Author's Note:**

> no one will ever convince me that hijikata doesn't have a handcuffs fetish  
> nothing has ever existed or will ever exist that convinces me hijikata doesn't have a handcuffs fetish


End file.
